I'm With CocoOkay, my two cents on NBC’s late night … situation, which the ‘sphere is calling anything from a “kerfuffle” to a “clusterf*ck.”  As of a few hours ago, it looks as though the standoff has ended, Jay Leno will reclaim his precious “legacy” that has Carson rolling around in his grave with anger matched only by George Harrison during Idol’s Beatles week, Fallon will keep on being relatively clever at 12:35 AM, and Conan will cart his sorry ass around Los Angeles, a city that has done him no favors, and to where he moved his entire life and staff, oh, SEVEN MONTHS AGO.

Ahem.  Who knows where the fault lies, but I happily blame Jay.  Let’s go back to 2004 (wow, I love Hot Fuss!).  Conan is sniffing around for new opportunities – he’s been the late-late guy, following Jay, for 11 years at that point.  Jay is talking about retiring, even though he still has the number-one show in late night (because the American public is largely stupid).  Like a desperate, nerdy boyfriend, NBC uses this info to keep Conan.  Dangles the majesty of The Tonight Show like a carrot.  He agrees to stay, under the agreement that he’ll host Tonight come 2009.

Fast forward … past Jay stealing Stuttering John in a most unprofessional manner.  Past Jay bragging about his “free comedy show” for the unemployed and depressed of Detroit but then hosting it at a venue in the affluent suburbs with no public transportation in from the city.  Past Jay still telling Lewinsky and Kaczynsky and O.J. and probably John Bobbitt jokes into the mid-aughts.  Jay doesn’t want to retire.  SOB!  He has too much funny in his head and has to share it with the people (I’ve been waiting to see some of this so-called “funny” for 20 years).  I actually read a god-damned quote where he said this, folks.

So Conan contractually still gets The Tonight Show but lo and behold!  Jay bum rushes him to create primetime Jay.  Still with the unfunny, but now up against CSI and other programs that people find actually entertaining rather than something to fall asleep to.  Conan has moved his entire life 3,000 miles but is right where he started – the late-late guy, behind Jay.  Hugs and kisses.

Jay debuts to much fanfare.  No one cares.  Conan debuts with little publicity.  Not many people care.  The Leno ratings become too pitiful for NBC to ignore.  Leno opponents squeal in delight – finally! – just desserts for the man who turned The Tonight Show into a steaming pile of derivative and safe sketches and interviews.  Annnnd … Jay gets canceled and summarily rewarded with The Tonight Show, back in his insidious and doughy little palm.  Conan and Andy get bent over the sink.

Yes, one argues, Conan’s ratings weren’t stellar.  And maybe that’s because his “young,” “irreverent” breed of humor doesn’t jive with Jay’s fans – who, BY THE WAY, weren’t watching his ass in primetime either.  Or maybe it’s because no one wants to watch two hours of talk shows a night.  The double billing split the audience for NBC talk, which is of course what many people expected it to do. Maybe even Jay Leno.

Obviously, I don’t know either of these men personally, but I do know the following.

Conan used to date Lisa Kudrow and got his start writing on The Simpsons. He has floppy hair.

Jay likes cars, has a wife named Mavis, wrote some stupid kids’ book, and has a pronounced chin.  He also – allegedly – hid in closets like a craven bitch when the whole Letterman/Leno/Carson circus was going on.  He also ripped off his “famous” Jaywalking bit from Howard Stern.  Also?  He is not funny. But right now, he’s the smug-ass winner and I wonder when and if karma will come calling.

Despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat and Conan’s unemployed,

Lucy Glib