The Tuesday Twelve: Hot and Hairless Tuesday, Oct 5 2010 

I used to work for a blog called megasizzle.com, but unfortunately my blogging partner and I quickly lost interest.  Even more unfortunately, the blog was pulled out of cyberspace unceremoniously before I could archive it. I kept a column there called “The Tuesday Twelve,” which was just a silly list of whatever was on my mind that particular week. Since those lists are nowhere to be found, maybe I’ll try and create some of them here.

Today’s list is not a rerun. I recently finished Open by Andre Agassi.  I’ve always been a fan since mono kept me inside watching Wimbledon in 1992 while my family was out hiking and white-water rafting in the Smoky Mountains (I was actually okay with the break). This book took my appreciation to new levels.  While I know it wasn’t actually Andre sitting alone with a laptop pouring out his deepest secrets and desires (he had writing “help” from The Tender Bar’s JR Moehringer), he opted to narrate said secrets.  He opted to be, as the title implies, completely open.

One anecdote that is equal parts hysterical and tragic is one particular tennis tournament where Andre was less worried about losing than he was about his fans and the press finding out he was losing his hair.  For years, his trademark mane hadn’t been his at all … the devil-may-care rebel had been wearing a synthetic piece. As is obvious by his current appearance, Agassi eventually got over it and adopted an equally if not more attractive shaved-head look. So in honor of his decision against vanity, here’s the first Tuesday Twelve – Twelve guys who are notably attractive despite being follicly challenged.  Where’s Vin Diesel, you ask? Not a fan. Who needs him.

12. Anthony Edwards.

Anthony Edwards

He played a likable nerd, a tragedy-stricken fighter pilot (spoiler alert!), a tragedy-stricken ER doc, and for one brief shining moment, one of the In Cold Blood killers. He’s beginning to emerge from a slow period these days and here’s hoping he still has nice bone structure.

11.Woody Harrelson

Woody Harrelson

Who knew cute, aw-shucks little Woody Boyd would grow up to be a multiple Oscar nominee and an environmental spokesperson, allthewhile maintaining a set of kick-ass guns? Me. Okay, maybe not me. My heart was always for Norm.

10. Joey Lawrence

Joey Lawrence

Whoa!  Okay, so he looked better with hair. And he’s really almost TOO bald – no five o’clock shadow potential there, buddy?  But I’d rather look at a bald Joey than a coiffed Ian Ziering any day.  Am I right, people?

(more…)

What’s Your (Boy Band) Personality Type? Thursday, Jul 1 2010 

Jordan, Danny, Joe, Donnie, Jon

If there’s one talent I have, it is determining which New Kid (on the Block) someone was a fan of 20 (!) years ago. The other day at work, I pegged a girl as a Donnie fan, and could have wagered a month’s pay on this prediction.  It’s simple really, and I’ll let you in on the secrets if you want a fun-slash-lame bar game.

Let’s start with my favorite, Joe “Joey Joe” McIntyre. The youngest by a few years, fair-haired, blue eyed, vocals on the edge of puberty, just plain-out adorable and sweet.  And the most likely to be a virgin (as though any of them resisted groupies for long).  Nonthreatening. Hammy.  With a twist of Oliver Twist. Joe fans are the girls who date younger men, love the nice guys, and go for clean-cut, corn-fed cuties.

Next up, Donnie “Donnie D” Wahlberg, without whom we may never have known Dirk Diggler.  Donnie was the “bad boy,” although if you are really that bad, you either wouldn’t be singing lead on songs like “Cover Girl” or you are in deeply self-loathing (as may have been indeed been the case with A.J. McLean, see below).  In Donnie’s case, “bad boy” meant an earring, a motorcycle, rumors of (gasp!) drinking, and … oh … those pesky allegations of attempted arson.  No big.  These days, Donnie is quite the nice looking older chap, has a decent resume (although dwarfed by that of his kid brother) and his shit together.  Donnie fans may have had a nose ring in high school and like the “alternative” guys, or at least guys with tattoos and/or in bands.

Then there is Jordan Knight.  If we deny his disgusting and bloated performance on The Surreal Life, we are left with a good looking simpleton and front man.  Jordan was the one who shed his shirt in front of a wind machine, whose dimples could make even the Moms in the audience melt, and who took the leading role more often than he didn’t.  Jordan fans can be one of two things. Either they were fringe New Kids fans, who didn’t know much else, or they are the girls who maybe aren’t that bright and assimilate with the pretty face, empty head.  (No offense to Jordan fans! Ahem.)

Jon Knight? Jordan’s long-suffering older brother.  He was “shy.”  He was “quiet.”  He was “mature.” He was boring!  For years there have been gay rumors about Jonathan, which actually makes some sense.  Jon fans are the hardest to figure out.  Sometimes he attracted Donnie girls that were a little offput by the “craziness” but still wanted to be alternative.  And obviously, shy girls would be drawn to him as well.

And finally, Danny Wood. Okay, in all my time as a “hardcore” Kidophile, I never met one fan of the completely Simian Danny (who has grown into his features and looks better these days by a country mile).  Perhaps using performance-enhancing drugs (and the performance he was enhancing was his dancing … and lifting weighs in videos), Danny rarely sang and rarely had solo pinup shots in Bop.  I would imagine the girl who claimed to be a Danny fan is, like all Andy Taylor fans, first of all lying, and second of all trying real damn hard to be contrarian.  To which I would say, sweetheart, he’s still a New Kid, even if he’s the ugly New Kid.

This formula extends with great ease to the Backstreet Boys:

Nick Carter = Joe (young, cute, blonde)

A.J. McLean = Donnie (bad to the bone, tortured)

Kevin Richardson = Jon (older relative to Brian, quiet, lame)

Brian Littrell = Jordan (front man, “cute,” minus a heavy degree of douchery)

Howie Dorough = Danny (uhhhh … whatever. Have you seen the “I Want it That Way” video?)

And some extent, even the Beatles fit the mold.  Paul is Jordan/Brian, John is Donnie/AJ, George is Jon/Kevin, and Ringo falls somewhere in between the youthfully/goofy and the not-so-attractive. Ringo, incidentally, nabs my favorite slot there as well.

So who had the right stuff for you?