When did Halloween become the night when every bar and house party turns into a PG-13-rated sex romp? When I was in college, even in my early 20s, costuming oneself was about humor. Creativity. Sometimes comfort.  (The winning costume achieved all three). And then, thankfully once I was way too old to consider such nonsense, the tide turned and the costumes became severely lacking in substance. Both figuratively and literally.

The thing is, as Gawker pointed out last week, there are plenty of ways to dress sexy for those gals who wish to do so.  Daisy Duke … Elvira … Genies … old-school Britney … and etc. But this fascination with taking non-sexy characters and sexing them up?  Is at best disturbing and at worst a sign of the imminent decline of civilization as we know it.

Thanks to @cheapsuits for his help researching today’s topic.  I’m providing this list in just enough time for any of y’all to order your favorite before next weekend.  All run between $50 and $80, which is another terror entirely.

12. The Tin Man. No heart, no sex organs, needs lubing up to function. Hot.
Tin Man

11. Mary Poppins. A spoonful of sugar … oh, never mind.

Mary Poppins

10. Transformers. As sexy as Megan Fox, minus the toe-thumb.

Lady Transformers

9. Cindy Brady. For the jailbait-chaser who really wants to emphasize he’s with “the youngest one.”  Or the 43-year-old who has grown too sad for words.

Cindy Brady costume

8. Donatello the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Please.  Everyone knows Michelangelo is the sexy one.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume

7. Ghostbuster. There’s something weird in the neighborhood.  Charging $1K for The Girlfriend Experience and $20 for a tear-soaked HJ.

Ghostbuster Costume

6. Sarah Palin. A, this is totally 2008.   B, costumes like this mean the terrorists HAVE won.

Sarah Palin Costume

5. Miss Piggy. Would be higher on the list except it’s not terribly skimpy. But the nose, people.  The nose!

Miss Piggy Costume

4. Big Bird. This Muppet-inspired costume, however?  A bit trashier (but, I must admit, a bit cute).  Big Bird Costume

3. Chucky. Take the jailbait-chasing proclivities from above, toss in a dash of masochism, and garnish with a bizarre fetish or two. 

Chucky Costume

2. “Naughty” Nun. So it’s a nun, right?  A holy woman of the cloth who takes a vow of celibacy?  But she’s SEXY!?  Gettit!  Oh, my ribs!

Nun Costume

1. Freddy Krueger. The worst I’ve seen. The absolute worst. Freddy is all mangled skin and childhood trauma and preying on children.  Nothing sexy about it, ladies.  I don’t care WHAT you do with that claw.