So as I mentioned, we had a big family wedding over the weekend.  Weather was perfect, location was grand, and the bridesmaids’ dresses were actually flattering and fashionable (woo hoo!)  I’ve rarely seen a bigger party.  Part of this was due to the guests (service industry folks, the Glib family in general) but part of this was due to the alcohol that flowed.

Specifically, the shots that started hitting the fan in rapid succession after dinner was complete (per the sensible request of the happy couple).  Everyone’s shot of choice is the Grape Bomb – Red Bull mixed with grape-flavored vodka.  I am not a fan of this taste.  I feel it tastes slightly worse than Triaminic. But I’m a good sport, so I take a few a year as I’m forced.  Peer pressure is so cool!

With that lengthy introduction, I bring you the 12 worst alcoholic drinks. Correction: 12 worst drinks that I have personally tried (some on my 21st birthday).

12. Gorilla (a/k/a Gorilla Fart):  151 rum plus Jagermeister.  Equal parts.   Two wrongs don’t make a right.  If you mix two of the most disgusting products out there, guess what?  Still disgusting.

Gorilla

11. Candy Cane. Decent in concept, bad in execution.  4 oz Godiva liquor (white or dark), 4 oz Peppermint Schnapps, 4 oz vanilla vodka.  Problem: the Pepeprmint Schanpps is overpowering.  Additional powering: there is no mixer here, and one winds up drinking 12 ounces of alcohol.  If one has also eaten sushi that night, they will be revisiting little strips of sushi in the toilet later. Hypothetically speaking.  This one has promise but needs tweaking. 

Candy Cane

10. Cement Mixer. Granted, this is one of those drinks that was invented just to eff with people. Still, I must give whatever sadistic bartender was so inventive.  Bailey’s + lime juice + a swish of one’s head = a curdling sensation.  Yum?

Cement Mixer

9. Rusty Nail. Don Draper might be disappointed in me, but it comes down to personal preference. I have not been able to warm up to Scotch, much as I’ve tried; it’s the one variety of hard alcohol that I just can’t stomach.  Mixing it with Drambuie doesn’t help matters. 

Rusty Nail

8. Riunite. Like Boone’s Farm. but with an attitude. At least Boone’s knows it sucks and doesn’t apologize for it.  Riunite pretends it’s a proper beverage – a wine that is best served on ice (so nice!).  True story: I went to dinner once with an ex-bf (not “ex” at the time) and a group of his friends.  We went to The Olive Garden, which is the first problem.  One couple ordered a bottle of Riunite and quipped “This is the only wine we’ll drink.”  And they WEREN’T JOKING.


7. Lunch Box. Picture a mug.  3/4 beer, 1/4 orange juice.  Drop in a shotglass of Amaretto, Irish car bomb style. Chug.  How is this a good idea, ever.

Lunchbox

6. Americano. Inspired by this novel to go through my cocktail guide on an alphabetical basis, I tried this drink one weekend afternoon.  Similar to a Negroni (Dad’s favorite drink), this is 1 oz. Campari, 1/2 oz. sweet vermouth, topped with club soda.  Could hardly choke this down. I’ve only made it through “Bloody Mary” in the guide, by the way. 


5. Everclear. Dump this into Kool-Aid and you have a dangerous concoction that is terrible tasting, flammable, and a tool for date rape.  I did love their single “Santa Monica,” though. 

Everclear

4. Three Wise Men. Equal parts Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniel’s.  Get it?  First of all, this shot is racist because Jose Cuervo is left out of the mix. Second of all, I’d rather be drinking liquid frankincense and myrrh. 

3 very, very wise men.

3. Anything “Bomb.” Take Red Bull, which is a stimulant that tastes like melted Halls, and add a depressant, be it flavored vodka, Jager, what have you. You get elevated blood pressure and lowered inhibitions, wrapped up in a bitter, syrupy mess.  

Jaeger bomb

2. Amaretto Sour. If you need to order this, you are not a real adult.  Go get a proper Coca-Cola over ice instead.  Syrupy sweet with just the right amount of artificial flavoring. Just terrible.

Amaretto Sour

1. Miller Lite. Pretty much the only beer I refuse to drink.  I was at a house party once and this was all they had, so I refrained, and then the pregnancy rumors began. Still couldn’t bring me to pop open one of these formaldehyde-laced cans of suds.  For a while, Miller Lite’s ad campaign boasted “more taste” than its competitors.  Excuse me?  Motor oil has “more taste” than water, too; it doesn’t mean it’s preferable to drink? 

Miller lite

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